Salutations, dear readers.
It is I..the one and only Character Queen.
Okay, there's probably others dubbing themselves and such, but I can assure you, my obsession is by far the most unhealthy and bizarre and expansive you'll ever done see.
Kk, if you don't remember who I am, I am an extremely weird and complicated individual who is, as Florence Welch so beautifully puts it in one of my favorite songs, "so in love with the wrong world".
Years ago, I created this blog to express my musings and quirky life and passionate love of storytelling.
Most of the time, tho, you just simply heard me rambling about random nonsense posting ridiculous photos of stuff I saw at the store.
What y'all didn't realize, whoever is reading my blog from the og times, is that I was living a secluded life in my old house. Bad health, making wrong decisions, kept from really getting out there and being who I wanted to be. It was that point in my life, 5 years ago, that I stopped posting here.
Upon getting evicted and losing my father..the cause of much of my anger and departure from my passions..I had to move in alongside my mother with my brother and his family, my mother of whom was still recovering from very poor health which left her bed bound for many months.
After moving here, I entered a state of intense depression, loneliness, abandonment, bitterness, anger, confusion and returned to a state of complete self loathing.
I felt worthless, as I had been left like I was worthless.
I went from knowing what I wanted to not knowing anything anymore.
This was the turning point that drove me away from everything that brought me happiness.
I gave up on writing, film making, blogging, my dreams, my future, everything.
I no longer had the self assurance to pursue such things anymore.
That topped with getting a job and having to provide for me and my mom as our own separate unite within my brother's place and basically having to find myself not only as an adult, but as a person in general..I was a mess these past 5 years.
Everything happened at once in 2017. Dad leaving, my mom's poor health, losing my house, then my sister moving away, it was a chaotic time. I lost so much weight and had several mental breakdowns.
My sister left me her car since she couldn't take it with her, so I had to learn to drive fast as my dad never allowed me to drive in all the time I was an adult.
In the span of a few months, I was rushing to learn how to operate an adult life..the day I got my license came and I applied to the job I still work at to this day.
However..that same day, I got lost, had a panic attack, and in my already shaken up stage, I wound up getting into an accident. A totaled car and a long painful process that comes from an accident, I was feeling even more like a failure. Thus entered the time I had to get rides to basically everywhere.
Making me feel like cargo being passed around.
Beginning work was intimidating, as the only job I had prior was with my sister and her business.
But since she was gone, I had to find a way to make money.
And a way to find myself in the process.
I barely ever had the chance to interact with others my age. My social awkwardness was strong and from that, I felt equivalent to a child on their first day of school. I had scarcely ever been away from my mom, as she had always protected me and had me right by her side. Now I was alone and terrified.
I didn't really know how to interact with others. I didn't know how to handle myself and what I was feeling. Confusion and denial ran deep in my head and I just wished this would all end and I would wake up from this nightmare.
For so long, I had presented myself as if everything was fine.
What people would normally see from me was how much I loved fandoms and writing.
That's because from the time I was a wee lass, the realm of imagination was my escape from my reality. My comfort zone. A life full of homelessness, untrusting people and a volatile man who terrifies you, you rely on such things to remove you from this world and promise you that things can get better.
And that YOU are important.
Believe me, there is so much more I can go on about.
So much more growth I have experienced.
And oh so much trauma and regret that I have had to live with.
It's very strange to have to backtrack and explain the origins of things you've lived with and become part of for so long that it's hard to remember the time those things or people were not in your life.
I will close this first post out with the acknowledgment of such souls who have changed my life for the better these five years..
Mom..
Dear sweet lass..she has been my number one human support system since day one.
As wretched as that little woman can be, I love her to death. We're too much alike, her and I, but we're with each other to the end of the line. Her battle with her health and my decision to support her as opposed to my dad only drew us closer. I am still fighting to provide her and I with the home we both have wanted for so long. And I know, some day, we're gonna get it.
She has gotten much more improved in her health since 2017 and has greater energy.
Slowly, she's getting to the point she wishes to be. Healed and thriving.
I'm not giving up on that day and certainly not giving up fighting to make her life better.
She deserves the world.
Hannah..
A beautiful and compassionate woman whom I have known since she was but a child.
We have never officially met in person, but our many years as long distance besties and our moments of true trust and support makes us just as important as any physical friendship.
We have been through so much together, even recently with very hard decisions and losses, and my love and admiration for this girl only gets stronger. She has been through hell and still keeps fighting.
We are kindred broken spirits and even though we can't talk all the time due to our busy work schedules, we are still there for eachother as much as we can. I'll adore her forever and never stop being proud of the amazing woman she's grown to become.
Zack..
A truly incredible soul I met shortly after I started working.
A true geek and rather awkward fellow, but every ounce the kindest and most trusting dude to have as your best friend. We became two peas in a pod, him and me. Like the little brother I never got to have.
We have had many wonderful adventures, going to the movies, parks, comic stores, cosplaying, gaming, basic bestie stuff. And he has been there for me in so many meaningful ways. I never would have gotten as far as I have if not for his generosity. He has earned my trust and my respect and I can't thank him enough. How refreshing it is to have someone to vent all your troubles to after suffering so long in silence, I can't even describe. But he's always there when you need him and will never shy away from precious brother hugs. He's also the actual Shaggy Rogers, so big bonus points to me, I'm besties with Shaggy Rogers, y'all.
Amanda..
Oh, what a gal..feisty, blunt and ridiculously feminine..Amanda has quickly become a dear and wonderful friend to me in the last two years. Since Zack's departure from my job, Amanda offered to give me rides to and from work and God bless her, how she has helped me in my time of need.
We're complete opposites, but our playful banter and teasing always brings smiles to both our faces and our endless talks and her outrageously honest opinions about everyone under the sun has helped shape me in more ways than I have realized. I'll never forget her kindness in helping me when no one else would. Even if I get a little queasy from our constant Taco Bell trips.
Vedant..
Where to even begin? I met Vedant a very long time ago, actually. Around the time things changed for me. He and I have been good friends since then, turning into close friends, and now?
I can't imagine my life without this boy. He has saved me in so many ways and supported me when I've been at my lowest. Hailing from India, he has served as pretty much my only foreign friend, but the things I have learned from his culture has really opened my eyes about different cultures in general and it's fascinating. He has an incredible soul, a charming personality and a witty humorous side that makes it difficult to be mad at. Vedant has a unique-to-me method in your hard times of listening, offering advice or simple support..and then doing his best to find ways to make you smile or laugh.
And it works every time. Since we've grown closer, we talk pretty much every single day, with no exaggeration. His crummy health has been home bound, but in a way it's been to my advantage he's always home, as I never would have gotten to know this beautiful person I've been blessed to meet.
Molly..
I close this with rather devastating news to any of my previous readers..
My dear canine of nearly 14 years, Molly, passed away last August.
She was the first death I've had to deal with head on.
Her passing was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, shy of 2017's events.
I had her as a pre teen, to my teens, to my adulthood.
She was my greatest support system, my comfort, my buddy, my baby.
Excited every time I came home, never not acting like a tiny puppy.
You would never know this dog was actually an old lady, battling cancer.
I loved this dog as more than just a dog, though. As someone with no children, she was my child.
When I was sad or lonely, she was my companion. She would lick my tears away, cuddle with me on cold or cozy nights, and play with me with the energy of a toddler.
It was in her final days, when her body was giving way to her cancer, that I knew I was losing my greatest little friend. We had endured so many things together that I knew, when she fell greatly sick and laid in my arms and I looked into her eyes..she was leaving me.
The day I lost her was hell to endure. I did everything I could to keep her alive and eating and strong.
But there was nothing I could do. She had succumbed to her pain.
I woke up the next morning for work and went to check on her..and she was gone.
I've never cried so hard in my life.
It left a hole in my life that I'll never be able to truly fill as Molly meant the world to me.
I remember the dream I once had of her and my mother and the fear of losing the two as a force tried to suck them in from outside and I desperately held on to them, my grip weakening..and it still haunts me.
Now my mother alone is what I live for and the most important thing in my life.
I will always love and cherish all of the people and things that have gotten me this far.
You have helped me grow in more ways than you know not just as a writer, a Christian, but as a person.
It was gotten me closer to God, closer to happiness, closer to honor, closer to loyalty, closer to the life I strive to have. To all reading this...this is Madness & Daydreams.
I have come from a long and painful road. But my journey is just beginning.
And I wish to share it with all of you.
